Finally Home
by MarinaWilliam
Summary: Harvey always had his walls up and hid behind his mask. What happens when those walls crumble before the only person that knew what was actually behind them.


AN: Hey guys this is my first attempt at writing and I wouldn't have posted it without the support of amazing girls who know themselves, so thank you so much for your encouragement! Special thanks to the amazing Elle ( darveyiscanon1) for being an amazing beta and for her kind words and support (and by blessing this fic by beta-ing it with the Donna-robe). Hope you enjoy reading it!

*Some of the conversation was taken from an Arabic song by Jadal - Youmein We Leyla*

He thought it wouldn't last, that's what has been keeping him going. He was certain about it like everything else in his life. But when it came to her, everything was just not the same and this exact situation proved it. How could she? And how could he be like that? They have been together through everything for the better parts of their lives so how could she just throw all of that away? She witnessed the death of his father, the sickness of his brother, every win and the every very rare loss. He'd been with her through the troubles of her father, every breakup and every standing ovation for her performance. Now that she's gone, all of that felt unreal. It felt like none of it happened and that he's been in someone else's life. Those thoughts made the pounding in his ears get louder and harder, his lungs not only aching, but burning as there seemed to be no room for them in his chest.

He was trying to fight it, he even tried to think that it's all not happening, and if he could just drag himself to his office, he could drown it all with a glass of his favorite scotch. But after a few more steps there was no denying it anymore, his legs felt like they were not there anymore and as much as he tried to control it just so he could make it to his office, he couldn't. He leaned his weight to the wall and stumbled enough to make it to her old cubicle. Seeing it clean of any signs of her, only made it worse. He could hear his own breathing as if it was screaming from the walls and the ceiling, along with his pounding heart. He was only by the door of his office when his legs gave him up and he fell to his knees by the couch. He thanked the gods that his arms were a little stronger and supported his weight so his face wouldn't dive into the ground. He also was grateful that it was late and nobody else was in the office by now, or he would have been a public display.

_Saying no to me was definitely not as hard as trying to breathe right now, Donna. Actually, from where I was standing, saying no to me did not seem hard to you at all. I begged you twice, Donna. Harvey Specter never begs, but for you, I did it twice and it meant nothing to you._

His thoughts were beginning to fade away and his arms' strength with it. He was about to accept the idea that he was about to pass out on the ground, when he heard his name from a distance followed by a faint touch to his hunched back that sent a little jolt of electricity through his whole body.

Donna knew how strong she was as a person. She was very self-aware of her talents and strength; she knew she could do anything she wanted. One thing she thought she will never be able to do, and it's saying no to Harvey. For once, her mind and stubborn character was on autopilot and took full charge of her as she spoke to him and kicked their heart to the side. A few nights earlier, they were all put on hold when he mumbled those words to her. Her heart was pounding and she felt butterflies in her stomach from the way he looked at her, from opening up to her for a few seconds before he locked the doors tight again. She thought that he was slowly coming to his senses and started realizing their situation when he told her how much it broke him for her to lose faith in him. His tired, chocolate brown eyes had her frozen in her place when he used that deep soft tone of his. Just when she was starting to take in what he said he placed his glass on the table and got up.

"Why?"

She gathered enough strength to let the word out. _Come on, Harvey. You're so close to realizing this whole thing, just allow yourself to go the whole way there._ Her racing heart and raging mind all came to a stop when he mumbled those last words.

"You know I love you, Donna"

And even before Donna could take in what he just admitted he was out of sight. No, it was not the wine, it was him. Harvey actually said those words she's been waiting for, but denied she wanted all those years. But he was just him and left after a few seconds of honesty with himself and her. Donna sighed heavily as if she's been holding her breath for the last few minutes. Donna didn't know what to feel or think. He said he loved her but he left. He walked away from her without even giving her a chance to respond or react. _Goddamn it, Harvey! Even when you gave me what I've been waiting for, you gave it to me your own way._

Donna walked into the firm the next day with a little bit of hope, even though she tried to push it away. All day she's been waiting for him to come up and pick up where he left off, but he didn't even interact with her with a single word, he would even look away the second he catches her eyes on him. As the day was coming to an end, her disappointment turned into rage that she could no longer contain. She walked into his office and dared to address the matter and raised the question that has been lingering in her head for the past 24 hours.

"Love me how?"

She thought that lashing out at him and confronting him would bring her peace, but quite the opposite occurred. Her rage did not subside and it only allowed her to see clearer now. She was done giving Harvey all of herself for him to pick up what was convenient to him. She needed to do what was best for her now, which was being away from him as much as she could, and that was what she did. She left him to work for Louis. That's the furthest away she could get herself from him, while still being close enough. His reaction was typical Harvey. He was hostile and threw the two weeks' notice at her face, for him to come back asking from them at the end of the day. There were many times where she wanted to say no to him but couldn't. This time however, as much as she wanted to say yes to him, her pride wouldn't allow her. She watched him as he begged and despite how angry he made her feel, her heart broke for him. But just like many other emotions, she decided to keep it to herself.

Donna tried to keep her eyes away from him as he walked back into his office but she couldn't. Her heart stopped for a second when she saw the sight in front of her and it immediately sent her to her feet with his name slipping from between her lips.

"Harvey!"

She saw him shaking, unstable and as if his soul was slowly leaving his body. The call for his name did not seem to faze him and the fear she felt made her freeze in her place for a while. A thousand ideas raced through her mind, but only one lingered. She knew how his father died and only thought that Harvey was following in his footsteps, especially with all that's been going on and all the stress he puts himself into. It's the sight of him collapsing next to his leather couch that made her run down the hall in a blink of an eye.

As she reached his office, he's down on his knees and arms, the hair at the back of his head was a little damp, and she could see the arms supporting him shaking as they're starting to give in. Donna pushed the glass coffee table away and laid a hand on his back as the other held his arm in an attempt to turn his posture and sit him down to take a look at his face before calling 911. She could feel the heat radiating from his body and his muscles tensing even more by her touch.

Harvey was about to give in and allow his panic to consume him before he felt hands on his back and shoulders. His head automatically snapped in the direction of that touch and he saw her. The reason of it all, his only weakness and the one that got full control of him. Through his aching chest came many other emotions, he felt anger, humiliation and betrayal. Those feelings brought back enough strength for him to push her hands away with a heavy, weak arm.

"No," he breathed out between gritted teeth.

Just when he thought he had enough strength in him to stand up and walk away, he was proven wrong. The moment he tried to stand up his legs sent him crumbling back down but now he was in a seated position with his back against the couch.

"Harvey, please," she pleaded with tears pooling her eyes.

Donna didn't get a chance to look at his face until he tried to get up and crumbled back down to the ground, taking her heart with him to crash. He was pale as a ghost, face damp as if he just came from a swim and eyes fluttering. She could see him unable to keep his head up and before it could crash onto the couch behind him, she held the back of his head with a hand as her other hand went to release his tie. She received another objection from him but it was weaker than before that his arm couldn't make it up enough to remove her hand off him once more.

"Harvey, you're having a heart attack. Now is not the time for you to be stubborn. Please, let me help you," Donna managed to say between her sobs and before reaching for his phone that was on the coffee table to call the emergency before it was too late.

"It's not…It's not a heart attack," Harvey managed between gasps for air. Her hands on his chest and head sent fire through his body that only made his panic even worse. He felt like he was trapped. Trapped inside his weak body and inside Donna's world. As much as he just wanted to lean in and let her take away all the pain, his ego got the best of him. He was trying to move his numb arms to push her aside, but they were simply unresponsive.

"What? How do y-…" Donna could recall images of him yesterday rushing into the bathroom with the same posture she saw him walking into his office a few minutes earlier after he looked at her with hooded eyes and face looking like it might explode. She connected the dots and realized that Harvey was having something anybody in the whole world had the possibility of having except for him with all his ego and large amount of narcissism. But here he was, crumbled and fighting for a breath and the reason couldn't be anything else.

She could feel guilt wash all over her, and even though she thought it was not possible, her heart broke for him even more. Donna had every right to do what she did, to finally put herself first, but she couldn't help seeing him like that. The mighty Harvey Specter, who held his head higher than the highest of skyscrapers in the heart of Manhattan, crumbled to the ground because of her and because of that she realized why he's refusing her help. However, Donna always knew how to shove his stubbornness to the ground and that's what she's planning on doing right there. Because after all, she truly knew him more than he knew himself and knew what he needed exactly at that moment.

Her arms dared to envelop his head and upper body and pulled him into her embrace, letting his head lay on her shoulders. She expected another rejection of assistance at the gesture, but all she got was another hitched breath, and she knew that currently, that was all he's capable of.

"Stop fighting, Harvey. I've got you, just breathe," she said in a whisper, as her tears fall on the side of his head, dampening the hair there a little further. And just when she said that, she started feeling his muscles relaxing underneath her touch.

Harvey felt like he was watching the situation from a nightmare. He was there, he's witnessing everything, but was not able to react. He wanted to get away from here, he didn't want her to see him like that and his ego kept screaming in his head that the reason for the mess he's in, couldn't witness this. He was fighting his own demons, fighting the pain in his chest, and fighting her very delicate touch until her words hit exactly where needed.

"Stop fighting, Harvey. I've got you, just breathe," he heard her say as if he was underwater. Her voice seemed far away and unclear, but he made the words. Harvey realized that nothing would get him out of this nightmare besides doing what she's asking, so he stopped fighting her. He allowed her existence to consume him, he lost himself in her delicate, yet firm touch, in the very familiar smell of her perfume and her shampoo, feeling like he's been lost for years and finally made it home. After he finally stopped resisting her, fighting the rest was not that hard. While he was unsure of whether or not it was because of her touch that had worked its magic on him, or that his body could no longer resist and was giving in, something changed to help him relax. The throbbing in his ears mixed with her soft sobs faded away into the darkness as his eyes shut close.

Donna felt his breathing coming to a normal pattern after a few minutes and she's never been grateful for anything more in her life. However, her sobbing only got harder as she held him tighter to her chest, closer to her heart.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to herself, knowing that he won't be able to hear her anyway. Her left hand landed on his cheek as her right wrapped around the side of his head she allowed herself to lean her head down and give the top of his head a soft kiss.

Harvey was starting to gain his consciousness back after only a few minutes. He slowly started gaining feeling of his surroundings, her soft, warm touch, her breaths tickling the top of his head, and her sweet smell, all made him think he was not actually awake and was only dreaming. Except that it felt too real to be a dream. He slowly lifted his hand to place it above hers that was softly caressing his cheek. Harvey could feel his touch alarming her; she stopped the slow strokes of her thumb and her breath hitched slightly. As he lifted his head from her chest, he immediately felt cold without her heat surrounding him. Her eyes were red, wet and showed mixed emotions, but the only ones he could make out were fear and guilt.

"Hey," she whispered softly as she sniffled after putting on a soft smile, an attempt to ease the situation because Donna knew Harvey, and knew that this situation would not be the most comfortable one for him.

"Hey," he whispered in return after pulling back enough so he could see her face clearly. Her cheeks were damp with lines of tears that he guessed didn't fully stop until now. Harvey doesn't know how to feel, he doesn't know if he should be angry, ashamed, or relieved. Maybe he felt all of them and his hard time of comprehending his own feelings was obvious by his silence. A frown was expressed on his face as his chocolate brown eyes pinned her in place.

"Why didn't you tell me, Harvey?"

"Tell you what?"

Donna couldn't help but roll her eyes at him as she pressed her lips together before she responded back.

"That you're having panic attacks and that was clearly not the first."

Harvey frowned heavily and pushed himself off the ground, leaving Donna sitting there alone.

"Harvey, for God's sake speak to me!" Donna's emotions were getting the best of her now. She didn't understand if this was really because of her. How could it be because of her when he said that he admitted his love to her out of pity? And if it was because of something else, why didn't he tell her and why was it happening now? She was so tired of guessing and questioning anything related to Harvey anymore.

"What did you want me to say Donna?!" Harvey turned to face her after she got up. His face showed nothing but anger at the moment, and so did his tone.

"Did you want me to beg you for the third time not to leave me? Because the first two times didn't seem to work. Did you want me to tell you that I'm a mess without you? But it wouldn't make sense to say it because you already know it so goddamn well. Did you want me to come to you and ask you how you could throw the past ten years out the window and move to work for fucking Louis?!" Harvey's own eyes matched Donna's teary ones.

"How can I tell you when you made it perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with me anymore, Donna." His loud, thunder-like tone now changed into a broken whisper as a lone tear stream down his cheek.

"Harvey, what I did was on the professional level. You know that you and I are more than a secretary and her boss. What's happening with you is personal, you still could have come to me."

"Isn't personal what got us here, Donna?" Harvey spoke immediately and he could see her flinch at the mention of it, but that didn't stop him.

"I said I love you… and you think it's out of pity, but it's not," he said, just above a whisper. Harvey could no longer hold it in. The fear of losing her was the reason he kept her at arm's length anyway, and tasting the bitter poison of it happening, he knew he was right about his fear, but not about how he handled it. He could imagine her walking away again after admitting what he was about to and it made his chest tighten once more but he was not planning to stop

"No, Harvey… not again, please," Donna pleaded as she continued to shake her head. The night alone was too emotionally exhausted, not to mention the past few days and she was not going down that road again.

"No, listen to me," Harvey said as he took a step closer to her. "I love you. In every way there is to love someone," His hands fly up to her cheeks, allowing his thumbs to brush away the tears that had been streaming down her face ever since she followed him into the office. Her eyes were wide and hopeful, but what was greater than the hope in her eyes was the fear, and he cursed himself for being the cause of that.

"I love how you're always my compass. I love how you care about me and always take care of me. I love how you care about everyone you love. I love your passion for Christmas and Halloween," he explained, saying the last part with a small smirk.

"I tried not to, Donna. I tried to fall out of love with you ever since you placed that stupid rule but I couldn't. I said I'll sleep and get up and I'll forget about you. I tried to think about every flaw you had so I would hate you, but they made me fall even more in love with you. You're the most beautiful eyes to have ever landed on me, Donna. And I did give you up, but I won't anymore…I can't be without you anymore, Donna. I love you."

Donna didn't know if she was dreaming or not. But his warm hands on her skin felt too real to be a dream. She knew how his touch felt in her dreams and this time it was not the same. Knowing Harvey, she still knew better than getting her hopes up, so she had to make sure he actually meant what he said and his emotions were not just all over the place after his panic attack.

"Harvey…" she managed to say before he crashed his lips to hers, crashing with it all her fears and replaced it with an electricity like feeling that went through her whole body in a matter of a second. Memories of past years came back to her with all their excitement and all of their emotions. What Harvey felt was warmth enveloping him, increasing when her hands landed on the back of his neck. The kind of warmth that you get from walking home after fighting battles all day long. Harvey had been fighting his own demons in battles that he ended up losing until this very moment, he was finally home.


End file.
